The Urge !!

Wow this is difficult.

Each hour that passes by feels like the hour that I will fail and surf porn or masturbate

How do people quit this ? I mean really ? I keep trying to distract myself but it feels like it’s not going to work much longer.

And plus, thoughts come besides temptations. Thoughts of rationalization, thoughts of the medical benefits. I even looked up anti-masturbation underwear which yielded more sex toys than my intended use.

Thankfully I have not looked up any porn.

Pray for me, this is hard. I believe all things are possible ! but honestly, its still really hard…


Longing for Relationships and a deep dilemma

One thing I really long for are good, deep relationships. It’s something I’ve never really had much of, and also am I’m really really bad at.

I do his a lot, I imagine the girls (mentioned in previous posts) and myself meeting and talking. Nothing sexual, nothing erotic (I mean those thoughts come, but of late I’m really pushing those thoughts away and not letting it linger..), just a simple meeting between friends.

I’d also imagine all of us wanting to really grow in our relationship with each other, wanting a closer friendship, making an extended effort in bridging that gap, and believing for an amazing godly kingdom family relationship. I imagine myself tearing up, then falling to my knees right in front of them, confessing the recordings I made and my lustful thoughts of them, and staying knelt down, too ashamed to lift my head, waiting to hear what words would come out from them.. Most of me has confidence that both of them, though with an initial struggle, would come to really forgive me, but there is doubt..

I’m desperate for their forgiveness (though I do not deserve it), for things to be “set right” by the confession and their release of mercy and grace. But the truth is, I am afraid, of many things. Of hurting them, of being rejected and unwanted (I think this is my worst fear), I don’t want to do anything to cause them anymore distress. If I could be guaranteed that they won’t be hurt in any way, then I would immediately speak with them ! I think…

But this other thought comes, as mentioned in earlier posts, would this being desperate for forgiveness be a selfish thing ? After all, it’s really more about me getting this burden lifted. I know I’ve mentioned the restoration of relationship, but the truth is, there really isn’t anything much to restore, it might really just be a fleshly desire disguised as a biblical hope. I know one thing, that to them, that was all the relationship was. There was never anything more, and I quite believe that they also do not desire anything more. It’s really all me, nothing them. With this sin or not, we are dots that just don’t join..

In some ways, I do think that if I really had to confess, I could do it like right now. But to do it without regard for their feelings, wouldn’t that also be sin ?

Sounds confusing right ? Sorry for repeating parts over and over.. If you read this and have some thoughts, please please please put a comment or send me a message. I’d really like to know what you feel God is saying too…

#7 Wanting someone else

While writing some of the previous posts, I realised there is another thing I have to confess.

It’s that I have allowed myself to develop feelings for another girl, someone who seemed more compatible, and at times even more capable. She’s far from perfect, sometimes appearing to be a very insensitive person, but she tries hard to chase after the things God has for her, and I really respect and love that. She is also mentally and physically appealing to me, and through her life God taught me a personal lesson on managing my own body with a particular focus on grooming, how that is also a responsibility of mine.

At the same time, it’s also very likely due to some of the things that my wife does that I felt should be done otherwise. But these weren’t major major issues, mostly just different ways of doing things. This other girl that I like, I’ve watched her respond in similar situations and I discovered that her way of doing things is more similar to mine, and its things like these, quite a couple of them, that makes me drift off into fancying and desiring her. Of course she is pretty and cute and all of that too. Its really also a bunch of things I wish would change in my marriage, and this girl appeared to be more ideal in that sense.

I thank God though, because I know that I know that I know that under no circumstances will I ever leave my wife and child to be with this girl. My firm belief is to stay faithful in my marriage and work things out, because the truth is, a couple of months or years later, its very possible I’m gonna meet another girl with the same sentiments and a good measure of commonalities. What then ? On the other side of the coin, I too am so far from perfect, there are so many areas I need to change for my family that I have yet to. I will not hide though, that such thoughts about this girl have been coming on and off. I pray that I am able to continually push it away until it never comes back.

#6 Secret filming

This is the worst of them all..

By now, regarding internet porn, I had viewed quite a number of hidden cam videos, voyeurism and the like. It was one of my preferred porn content when I would surfing porn.

Previously I had written about myself being a leader of a missions team, and having some girls on that team. One day came, and this thought of playing an “honest” prank, or trying to experiment if I would succeed came to me, and it was to secretly film this one girl while she would go and shower in the bathroom. There was a ceiling vent and it had gaps where something behind it could see through. Of course if you look up and looked closely, you might spot something being there, but a big part of me knew that I would not be caught. It was part sexual, part “wanna-try-shoplifting” adrenaline thing, and totally totally wrong. So I got a phone that I wasn’t using, set it up and viola, I had a small number of secret videos of her changing clothes etc. And because I couldn’t control who would go in, I recorded the other girl as well.

I didn’t stop right then, I went on to record more, and I even edited out the “boring” parts and added slo-mo to the sexy parts. Needless to say, I masturbated while watching some of these videos. I did all of this, in the same house where everyone was staying, my wife, daughter and the team.

This is the worst.

I did stop, after getting maybe 5 or 6 recordings, I finally pushed myself to permanently delete all the content and to make sure I would not be able to retrieve it. By the grace of God, I managed to do this.

Now, one of the things thats a thorn in my flesh, is always thinking about if I should confess to the girls or not.. If I do, would it be more a selfish act, of trying to be free of this burden ? Or would it be an act of following His word ? I am in conflict. I do not want to do anything more to hurt, or cause them ANY kind of displeasure. All I want to do, is to love them in the right ways, as much as I can, to always be there for them and support them in any way they would need it. But the truth is, the best thing I can do, is to stay away from them. This though hurts deep….

Again, I learnt that hard lesson, that when I allow sin in my life, it destroys relationships. It’s not just a sin that affects me, but it affects my wife, daughter, and them. If I had not done such a thing, I would have been guilt free, able to commune with them much better without being shameful or thinking they are better off without me. Even to my wife, I would have one lesser thing to seek forgiveness for.

For now, I am just going to leave it with God. Maybe part of setting up this whole blog of public confession, is hoping that somehow, these girls would accidentally find it and learn about what I have done. Maybe part if it is also hoping my wife would find it and know of the things that I just cannot bring myself to tell her…

I seek forgiveness from them, but at the same time, I know I have done nothing to deserve it.

If really somehow, you (my wife or the girls) have found this, please know that I am so so so sorry for all that I’ve done. God brought you all into my life and blessed me with your fellowship, He had intended me to do the same and bless you, but all I have done is betray that and abuse His gifts of your friendship and seek after my fleshly desires. I know there is nothing I can do to make this up, no words or deed can ever erase what I’ve done, and am still trapped in. Even though its hard to believe, I truly am sorry, and deep down my heart cries out for your forgiveness. If you would choose to forgive, please text me and tell me, I can’t tell you how much this is weighing me down… If you would choose to expose and attack me, please do it, because I really do deserve it. I wanna say that whatever it is, know that you all are the best things in my life that God has blessed me with, and with all my heart I love you all, in the right way I mean.

#5 Masturbation

Another active sin in my life. I admit that if I could, I would want to masturbate daily, even multiple times, to satisfy that insatiable desire for that fleshly pleasure. But it is here that I want to believe for the impossible, for a complete cutoff of this.

This began for me when I was probably 9 or 10 years old. I think I discovered the sensation while accidentally touching myself, I can’t really remember. It was only 3-4 years later that I would learn that this was masturbation. At times I would even want to get it off publicly, sometimes under sheets when others were around. There are even times now, where I would lose the battle badly, and masturbate under the blanket while lying next to my sleeping wife or 4 year old child… How terrible right ?

One of the worst was when I was about 11. I was having my usual tuition with my tutor who was female, and suddenly the thought came to masturbate right there while she was correcting my work or teaching me something, with my hands under the table etc. I think she realized what I was doing after a while and I don’t think she ever came back. What a horrible experience it must have been for her.

Masturbation for me is pretty out of control… I would even use props or sex toys if I could, God knows I’ve used other stuff.. At times I would think of good logical arguments of why it wasn’t wrong, other times I would try to masturbate without sexually fantasizing. Once or twice I would succeed, but most other times it was always fantasizing or internet porn.

At times I’ve prayed that God would come and cut of my penis, other times I wish God exchange my brain for a monkey’s, or maybe take me back to Him after I’d “freshly” repented so that I wouldn’t have a chance to sin again. I’ve fasted, prayed, had special seminars and listed this as my stronghold and burnt it away, still today, the struggle has only gotten harder.

After doing some reading, thinking etc, the only this would be acceptable would be when I masturbate thinking about my wife. Do let me know if you have thoughts otherwise. Even then, how many times have I masturbated thinking of her ? close to zero… I had to admit to myself that I don’t think of my wife as someone sexually appealing, and deep down I know this is a big problem…. Sure she has crooked teeth and bad breath etc etc, but I made that choice long ago to marry her, and that came as a whole package, not just a small part. This is not an acceptable excuse in any way…

#4 Sexual Fantasies..

Ever since I discovered masturbation, experiencing again that pleasure of you-know-what became a top priority. And in order to be aroused, I would imagine, day dream if you would, being with women, anime characters etc and having different kinds of sexual encounters.

Some were very sci-fi, like I was the only male survivor and everyone else were women. They captured me and had to ‘milk’ me to continue the human race. Others were medieval etc etc. Not going to go into detail because these posts are not about that..

Regarding these fantasies, I used to make a rule for myself. I can fantasize about anyone that I personally do not know, because it would be absolutely horrid otherwise. This rule didn’t last at all. Soon I began fantasizing about my school teacher and girls I knew in my old church.

This is still going on, no matter how much I tell myself, or push those thoughts away, eventually, maybe not the same day, but soon, I’ll cave and the thoughts come back. Even now, as I am serving in the missions field, I am fantasizing about the girls who were part of missions team. Yes, I am the leader of the team and this is one of the worst deep dark secrets… I don’t think I’ve managed to go a full week without doing so, my best was like 2 days I believe. This brought huge guilt upon me, I felt like I’ve let these girls down, I’ve betrayed them, broke their trust. I’ve felt unworthy, and it feels like the friendship we had, the very precious friendship that I so wanted, got broken… because of my sin. I constantly think about how they look down on me, and how they’d reject me and cast me aside if they knew, and who would blame them ? I feel like I owe it to them to treat them the best I can. And this isn’t the worst sin involving them yet…

During this I learnt about how sin can really break a relationship down. I recall Adam and Eve in the garden, how after realizing they had done wrong, they went away to hide. I felt that same way to these girls, and even my wife…

Part of me just wants to confess and face to come what may, but I’ve read also on how we shouldn’t confess just to lift the weight off our own shoulders, because that can actually be selfish. I’m also reminded about Paul’s thorn in the neck bit. At present, I am giving this to God and believing that I will overcome this, without causing more hurt to others.

Pray for me please, for that divine exchange for His grace… and if there’s ever a window I can take to confess without causing hurt to anyone, give me strength to do it.

#3 Internet Pornography

I got into this a few years after we started internet at our home. And to date, til today, even as I am writing this, I am still not able to cut myself off completely.

At times I would be successful for days up to weeks and months, only to have something “unpleasant” happen and use that as an excuse to deal with stress. I tried fasting and praying, and even confessing it to my pastor then. Still it remains a vice. There was one time though, back in 2002 I think. I had just broken off with the girl from #1 and was invited to join the church which I am attending and serving in now. Miraculous things happened during the first 2-3 years of joining this church, and I actually was able to keep from internet pornography and masturbation for almost a year, but then I started again..

Sometimes I fool myself into going to NSFW sites instead, or non-nudes etc. However the truth is, my heart still desires for porn. And going to those sites eventually lead back to fully nude sites.. I think that somewhere deep down, I am holding on to this. I really want to know how I can let go, but that still eludes me. I’ve even prayed that God take away my sexual desires or my sexual organs.

In the past year, I’ve even come to the point of wanting to post videos and pictures of myself on sites like Patreon, wanting to experiment if I could make money out of creating my own masturbation content and nude ‘art’. I actually went all the way to creating that account and posting a couple of pictures. After 2 or 3 days I just couldn’t’ let it continue and went to delete the account…

I am sad to say, that even right now as I am do bible studies and praying for others, as I lead others during times of worship or share/preach, or witness on the streets and knock on doors, I have this struggle. At times I feel like a hypocrite, at times I make excuses for myself, but what I know is no matter what the issue is, I cannot stop serving Him, that would be the true end of it all. To you the reader, again I apologize for this unpleasant habit.

As of Jan 10th 2018, I’ve probably been on porn sites on 5-6 days ? And engaged in masturbation 3-4 times now. I’ve even become much more daring, surfing porn in the midst of others and trying to pretend I’m doing something else. But I am gonna keep trying ! I want to continue to believe in the impossible, in Jesus name ! So if you read this, please keep me in prayer, I know I need as much prayer and encouragement as I can get. My target is 1 full year, 365 days of no internet pornography. That’s what I am aiming for.

#2 Abortion

While the relationship in my post #1 continued in those years. I think it was at the hotel. We had unprotected sex, and a couple months later, we discovered that she was pregnant.

When we talked at first, I was planning on dropping out of tertiary school and getting a job to start supporting a family if it comes to that. She however had little to say about it.

We then had an appointment at the hospital with the social worker. I told the social worker what I was prepared to do, but my girlfriend broke down crying and just did not want the baby. The social worker also tried to encourage my idea of keeping and working to support the baby, but it would seem the social stigma and shame would be to much for her to bear. Hence, not wanting to force her and make it more difficult for her, I said ok to the abortion, instead of taking the lead to say no.

A few weeks later, we were back at the hospital, we went through with the abortion. and that was that.

During her pregnancy, we still continued to have sex, and enjoying it. Needless to say, we didn’t really change our ways or repent of anything.

Now that I ponder on this, I thank God that His word says I am forgiven. I have miraculously been able to put this down at the cross and exchange it for His grace, that has been freely poured out over me. I still have so much more to go, but knowing that this is behind me is an amazing burden lifted off. And I believe one day I will be able to meet with my unborn daughter (I believed my unborn child to be a girl, though no one knew) in heaven and spend time with her. She would have been 16 years old if we had kept her. It could have been a cool, fun, relationship despite its origins….

I also remember, after about 4 years that his happened, I spoke to an old friend on the phone, someone I used to be close to. Back in 1996-7 we actually had feelings for each other, but she had left to Australia for studies and we had lost contact. I thought that on some sense we were still good friends, so sometime in the conversation, I told her about some of the things that have happened, including how I felt God forgive me in this situation. Her words were something like this “How could you manage to live with yourself after that ?”…. Well, the conversation didn’t last much longer after that. I was a little stunned, I thought she would have understood, but in reality I think we’d never talk or meet ever again though I’d want to.

#1 Premarital Sex

This happened about 16 years ago actually.. By then I had already discovered masturbation and had developed a strong desire for sexual gratification. There was hardly any internet porn then, I masturbated using images in comics, lingerie ads, movies, my own imagination and fantasies.

During the 2nd year of tertiary school, I met a girl whom I found a little cute. Never would have thought that anything could happen with her, just that she looked sorta pretty, unique, not your typical kind of good looks etc.. To cut the story short, we started to get to know each other, and started to talk on the phone.

One night she talked about her then boyfriend and how she wasn’t happy with that relationship. She had mentioned how he always wanted sex and she always had to give in because he just couldn’t resist. So she would imagine she was having sex with me instead.. You can imagine then, the thoughts and that sudden flaring desire that rose up..

Days later, she wanted to come over to my place. So we planned and she did, that day no one was home, so we ended up in bed, fully clothed, but touching each other with our legs. The next day we were at my place again, and now we had less clothes on and our hands were in play. As the days went by, we started having sex. Sometimes with a condom, sometimes without. She said I was the 10th person she’s had sex with, she being my 1st.. Yes she took my virginity.

We had sex/oral sex in public, hidden away behind bushes, under a parasol at school on a hill, in the public swimming pool, also at her place, even on the public bus. A couple of times we rented a room at a hotel and tried having sex over and over, though I don’t really last long.. I think twice we fought and I was drinking liquor, and we had sex to make up.

Amongst all of this, I tried to play christian. Brought her to church, tried to share with her. She received Christ during a youth service, she said she felt God during the song “You Laid Aside Your Majesty” and that became an excuse that everything was alright, but no it wasn’t.

This relationship lasted about 2 years, then finally through a divine encounter, we broke up. By then I was in military service. She went crazy, threatened suicide, threatened to kill my grandma who was in hospital (because I choose to be with her instead). The pastor that I confessed to about porn and masturbation knew her as well. Then after a couple of months, somehow she had moved on and because of that, I was able to come to where I am, both the good and the bad…

There was one really special God moment during the relationship. But that wasn’t a permit to say that it was alright.

We are both now married to our respective partners, with children. We haven’t spoken to each other since, which might really be for the better. With regards to my wife, to be honest, our relationship didn’t start off pure and holy too. Before we got married, we were already touching one another, fooling around in the car. Once we were lying on the same bed, totally naked though not having any sex. She even gave me a hand job in the shower. And guess what ? This was all in another country where both of us were missionaries, serving God, ministering to His people, praying and teaching etc etc… IKR, how much worse can it get than this ?

Read on….

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