This is the worst of them all..
By now, regarding internet porn, I had viewed quite a number of hidden cam videos, voyeurism and the like. It was one of my preferred porn content when I would surfing porn.
Previously I had written about myself being a leader of a missions team, and having some girls on that team. One day came, and this thought of playing an “honest” prank, or trying to experiment if I would succeed came to me, and it was to secretly film this one girl while she would go and shower in the bathroom. There was a ceiling vent and it had gaps where something behind it could see through. Of course if you look up and looked closely, you might spot something being there, but a big part of me knew that I would not be caught. It was part sexual, part “wanna-try-shoplifting” adrenaline thing, and totally totally wrong. So I got a phone that I wasn’t using, set it up and viola, I had a small number of secret videos of her changing clothes etc. And because I couldn’t control who would go in, I recorded the other girl as well.
I didn’t stop right then, I went on to record more, and I even edited out the “boring” parts and added slo-mo to the sexy parts. Needless to say, I masturbated while watching some of these videos. I did all of this, in the same house where everyone was staying, my wife, daughter and the team.
This is the worst.
I did stop, after getting maybe 5 or 6 recordings, I finally pushed myself to permanently delete all the content and to make sure I would not be able to retrieve it. By the grace of God, I managed to do this.
Now, one of the things thats a thorn in my flesh, is always thinking about if I should confess to the girls or not.. If I do, would it be more a selfish act, of trying to be free of this burden ? Or would it be an act of following His word ? I am in conflict. I do not want to do anything more to hurt, or cause them ANY kind of displeasure. All I want to do, is to love them in the right ways, as much as I can, to always be there for them and support them in any way they would need it. But the truth is, the best thing I can do, is to stay away from them. This though hurts deep….
Again, I learnt that hard lesson, that when I allow sin in my life, it destroys relationships. It’s not just a sin that affects me, but it affects my wife, daughter, and them. If I had not done such a thing, I would have been guilt free, able to commune with them much better without being shameful or thinking they are better off without me. Even to my wife, I would have one lesser thing to seek forgiveness for.
For now, I am just going to leave it with God. Maybe part of setting up this whole blog of public confession, is hoping that somehow, these girls would accidentally find it and learn about what I have done. Maybe part if it is also hoping my wife would find it and know of the things that I just cannot bring myself to tell her…
I seek forgiveness from them, but at the same time, I know I have done nothing to deserve it.
If really somehow, you (my wife or the girls) have found this, please know that I am so so so sorry for all that I’ve done. God brought you all into my life and blessed me with your fellowship, He had intended me to do the same and bless you, but all I have done is betray that and abuse His gifts of your friendship and seek after my fleshly desires. I know there is nothing I can do to make this up, no words or deed can ever erase what I’ve done, and am still trapped in. Even though its hard to believe, I truly am sorry, and deep down my heart cries out for your forgiveness. If you would choose to forgive, please text me and tell me, I can’t tell you how much this is weighing me down… If you would choose to expose and attack me, please do it, because I really do deserve it. I wanna say that whatever it is, know that you all are the best things in my life that God has blessed me with, and with all my heart I love you all, in the right way I mean.