Moving Forward

Well its been a while, caught up with both stress and being lazy 🙂

Some days were great, other days needed improvement…

But one thing I want to thank God, my relationship with my wife is improving. Since the confession, I’ve been able to be more intimate with her, and she’s shared how its something she missed as well.

I had thought that it would be challenging, to come to a place of desiring my wife physically. With me being stuck in the rut of pornography for so long, I was little afraid that I wouldn’t be attracted to my wife because of some underlying comparison between her and the girls online. So I prayed and asked the Lord to help me…

Praise the Lord ! It wasn’t the case ! We’ve been able to hold hands more, hug each other more, and my desire for her seems to even be growing ! I don’t mean to make this sound dodgy or anything, but I really just want to give a praise report for the changes in me and  I know that even more is coming.

Thank you all for your being a part of this, and please keep praying for me !

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Today’s confession

This morning my wife and I had a time of prayer, for our situation and the ministry. Right after the prayer, I told my wife that I was again having struggles with porn, lustful masturbation and the like. I asked her for prayer and was also at the same time praying that she wouldn’t be hurt.

She smiled and comforted me. She said she had some thoughts too recently, then she prayed for me. I really thank God for my wife, she’s such an amazing person, full of grace and mercy, strong and eager to serve Him. I really can’t imagine anyone else bearing with me and my sinful habits.

Furthermore, we are going to make a conscious effort towards improving the intimacy between us and all that jazz

Praise the Lord for today ! 2018 will truly be a year unlike any other !

1st to the 5th of Feb 2018

Here are the questions again with some slight changes;

  1. Did I have any sexual fantasy since my last post ?
  2. Did I look at any pornographic material since my last post ?
  3. Did I masturbate lustfully with other women in mind besides my wife since my last post ?

Well, for the most part, no to Q2 & 3.

Yes to Q1 on the 3rd and 5th.

I’ve been dwelling on the topic of masturbation being ok, when it comes to having thoughts of your wife, and not other women. I’ve not really thought on this subject clearly as I have the past couple of days. I’d just assume and fall back to just not doing it etc. This time however, I think I will really accept it (for myself) that it is ok if the person in mind is my wife. However, I also need to remember that I can’t replace her with masturbation, if you know what I mean. That wouldn’t be right at all too.

I know this topic is still very controversial to many, so I invite you, if you read this and have thoughts, to please share them with me.

Who has the authority ?

Here’s a word of encouragement the Lord blessed me with, that I felt was speaking to my addictions;

‘The centurion replied, ‘Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, “Go,” and he goes; and that one, “Come,” and he comes. I say to my servant, “Do this,” and he does it.’ ‘ Matt. 8:8-9 

When I read this, suddenly the understanding of having authority deepened within me. It is a simple passage of scripture, but imagining how someone like a centurion, would acknowledge and believe the kind of authority that Jesus had was mind-blowing.

Do I really believe deep down that Jesus has all authority ? The kind of authority that all under it recognize and respect ? The centurion saw the sickness of his servant like the small fry in the army (no offense meant), it was nothing big and whatever Jesus said, sickness had to obey.

Then comes the next question, do I believe that the Authority of Jesus is more than able to command my addictions to go ?

When I first got this word, I felt strength arise within me. As I continued to use this word to bless others, it kept it fresh and again I felt more strength arise. Now as I type this in and post it, I feel again, more strength !

Pray for me ! And I am praying whoever reads this also finds more strength in our Lord and Savior !

25th to the 31st

Here are the questions again;

  1. Did I have any sexual fantasy the night before until now ?
  2. Did I look at any pornographic material the night before until now ?
  3. Did I masturbate the night before until now ?

ok, so I’ve been caught up with stuff and can’t recall all of it, but as much as I remember its;

25th – Yes to Q1 & Q3, no for Q2

26th to the 30th – Yes to Q1 and No to Q2&3

31st – No to all, (AMEN !)

New Things !

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing ! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it ? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isa 43:18-19

Part of my sharing tomorrow will include this. It’s God’s word for the group, and it’s God’s word for myself too !

One point to note, Yes our Lord is doing a new thing, but I can miss it. He says in the word, “Now it springs up; do you not perceive it ?” Could it be possible that the new thing He is doing is right in front of me, yet I have entirely no idea ?? Yes it’s possible. And scripture discloses how this happens in verse 18, when we allow ourselves to be fixated on past failures (or even successes !)

So I have to ask myself, am I so fixed on my failures that I don’t see the new things God has already put in front of me ? These could be the very things God wants to put in my life, that will lead me completely away from sexual sin.

Holy Spirit, open my eyes that I may see His glory, that I may walk in His ways to take up these new things !

Amen

Sources of Temptation

Lately my girl has been down with the flu. She doesn’t sleep well, her nose is all stuffed up. She gets up in the middle of the night, cries out loud for milk… Its extremely difficult to get her to take meds, and even drink enough water.

Sometimes when these things happen, my wife loses it. And she doesn’t particularly handle it in a mature, motherly manner. She bursts basically, but nothing violent etc etc…  The fact that she can’t handle it and bursts out is getting more and more frustrating, “Why can’t she handle her emotions better?”. I mean if it were the first few times, maybe I could say she doesn’t know how to react, but after so long, there should be  a better understanding of how to handle the situation instead of still bursting like that…

I’ll then have to step in and start with the discipling. Later in the morning, I talk to my girl about it again, and remind her of what she was disciplined about.

The problem is, when such frustration arises, thoughts of masturbation come too. The thought of relieving that frustration and feeling better through masturbation. Kinda like I deserve to be able to, because of the ‘trauma’ I had to go through, like a prize or a reward I should get.. Just a couple of minutes before writing this, that exact thought came again..

Gotta keep that in mind, fighting it off, and keep trying to come to God with it instead of anywhere else.

Lord help me overcome !

the 21st to the 24th

21st and the 22nd

Q1 yes, but no to Q2 & 3

23rd

Yes to Q1 and Q3

I’ve still been going on about the fantasizing part. Somehow I am allowing myself to continue to think of wrongs things with the girls again.

Give me strength to arrest these thoughts Lord !

The first days – Victory or Defeat ? So it begins..

Finally managed to get the background all done and posted. So today begins the logging of days that I have the victory. Dear Lord, let the days become weeks, and weeks become months, and months become years that become complete !

I’m gonna do this checklist style so that I can review exactly what areas were good or bad, so here are the questions;

  1. Did I have any sexual fantasy the night before until now ?
  2. Did I look at any pornographic material the night before until now ?
  3. Did I masturbate the night before until now ?

Since I started this blog, dating back to 7th January til the 13th…

Yes to Q1, no to Q2&3

January 14th

Yes to Q2 and Q3, no to Q1.

January 15th

No to all. Really wanted to…

January 16th

Yes to Q3, no to Q1&2

January 17th

No to all. Kept thinking about the relationships though.

January 18th

No to all. Kept thinking about the above again.

January 19

A partial yes to Q1 ? Imagined kissing her, BUT it was just kissing her, nothing below the neckline…

January 20

Yes to 1 & 3. Somehow I had allowed the fantasies to start staying in my head. I don’t know if it was because the sexual desire was so strong that I conned myself into allowing fantasies, or that I that the fantasies allowed for the desires to come about… There was a like 2 nude scenes in this movie I was watching, “Blade Runner”. They were like only a couple of seconds and were really about a girl getting stabbed by the big bad guy. I didn’t even know they had such scenes. It was just a random movie that was pretty new and I just wanted to watch something. But as soon as I saw that scene, that was it…

So yea, not really getting anywhere… yet …

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